The instinct to correct our children comes naturally. We see the spilled milk, the unmade bed, the loud laughter, the crooked posture. We want to shape them, refine them, protect them from a world that will not be gentle.

But sometimes what needs refinement is not the child. It is the heart of the parent.

There is a piece of journalism titled Father Forgets that has endured for generations because it exposes a subtle disease of the soul: the habit of fault-finding. A father, overwhelmed with remorse, kneels beside his sleeping son and realizes he has measured childhood with the yardstick of adulthood. He loved his son, yet he corrected without mercy. He demanded maturity where there was innocence.

We must ask ourselves: are we nurturing hearts, or merely managing behavior?

Allah ﷻ describes the Messenger of Allah ﷺ as:

Mercy was not a trait of the Prophet ﷺ. It was his identity.

When a Bedouin saw him kissing his grandsons and said, “I have ten children and I have never kissed any of them,” the Prophet ﷺ replied:

Correction existed in his household, but it was framed in dignity, gentleness, and proportion. He ﷺ never struck a child. He never humiliated a young person in public. When young Anas ibn Malik رضي الله عنه served him for ten years, Anas said:

Consider that. Ten years. No humiliation. No shaming. No belittling.

This is not permissiveness. It is mastery of the self.

There is a difference between tarbiyah and control.

Tarbiyah is cultivation. It recognizes growth stages. It nurtures gradually. Control demands immediate conformity.

Modern neuroscience confirms what revelation already taught us. The prefrontal cortex, responsible for impulse control and rational decision making, is not fully developed in children and even adolescents. Expecting adult composure from a young child is neurologically unrealistic.

When we respond to childish behavior with disproportionate criticism, we are reacting to our own impatience, not their failure.

Chronic harsh criticism activates a child’s stress response system. Elevated cortisol over time affects emotional regulation and attachment patterns. A child repeatedly shamed does not become disciplined. He becomes anxious, withdrawn, or defiant.

The Prophet ﷺ understood developmental psychology before the term existed. He would lengthen his prostration when his grandsons climbed on his back during prayer. When asked why, he said:

He valued their emotional experience over rigid performance.

The father in Father Forgets realized something terrifying: he loved his son, yet habit had turned him into a critic.

Habit is powerful. Neuroplasticity means our repeated reactions carve neural pathways. If our default mode is irritation, our brain becomes efficient at irritation. If our reflex is gentleness, our brain becomes trained in patience.

This is where mental health and Islam intersect. Self-awareness is an act of worship. We are commanded to take ourselves to account before we are taken to account.

Perfectionism in Islam is not about flawless children. It is about ihsan, excellence in character.

Overcoming shame in Islam begins with refusing to shame others unjustly.

The father admitted: “I was measuring you by the yardstick of my own years.”

We often forget that children are not incomplete adults. They are complete children.

The Prophet ﷺ recognized developmental phases. He instructed us:

Not at three. Not at four.

Islamic psychology of resilience teaches gradual accountability. Responsibility is introduced in stages, aligned with cognitive maturity.

Hope and humility in Islam require that we admit when we have asked too much.

The father in the story knelt in the darkness and repented.

Repentance is not only for major sins. It is for moments of hardness, for tones that cut, for eyes that glare when they should soften.

Allah ﷻ says:

If we can return to Allah ﷻ after failing Him, surely we can return to our children after failing them.

Sometimes the most powerful lesson a child learns is hearing a parent say, “I was wrong.”

That builds resilience, emotional intelligence, and secure attachment.

1. Lengthen Your Patience Before Correction
Sunnah Reference: The Prophet ﷺ lengthened his sujood for his grandchildren (Sunan al-Nasa’i 1141).
Spiritual Benefit: Teaches mercy over ego.
Psychological Insight: Pausing activates the parasympathetic nervous system and reduces reactive speech.

Before correcting, breathe deeply three times. Slow breathing reduces cortisol and improves emotional regulation.

2. Replace Public Correction with Private Counsel
Sunnah Reference: The Prophet ﷺ never publicly humiliated children (Sahih Muslim 2309).
Spiritual Benefit: Preserves dignity.
Psychological Insight: Public shame damages self-esteem and increases anxiety.

Correct in private. Affirm in public.

3. Verbally Affirm Their Identity
Sunnah Reference: “He is nothing but a boy” mirrors the Prophetic recognition of stages of development.
Spiritual Benefit: Aligns expectations with divine wisdom.
Psychological Insight: Positive identity reinforcement strengthens neural pathways of self-worth.

Tell them regularly, “You are learning. You are growing.”

4. Seek Forgiveness from Them
Sunnah Principle: The Prophet ﷺ would seek forgiveness frequently, even without sin (Sahih Muslim 2702).
Spiritual Benefit: Cultivates humility.
Psychological Insight: Parental apology increases secure attachment and emotional resilience.

Model tawbah in real time.

Before the criticism slips from our lips, we must ask:

Am I correcting for their growth, or venting my frustration?

Mercy does not weaken authority. It strengthens it.

Our children will not remember every correction. They will remember how we made them feel.

May Allah ﷻ grant us hearts that correct with wisdom, speak with gentleness, and raise children who feel safe in our presence.

1. Is criticism harmful in Islam?
Constructive correction is necessary. Harsh, habitual fault-finding contradicts the Prophetic model of mercy.

2. How does Islam address perfectionism in parenting?
Perfectionism in Islam centers on character excellence, not flawless children. Ihsan begins with the parent.

3. How can I practice overcoming shame in Islam as a parent?
Avoid public humiliation. Model repentance. Separate behavior from identity.

4. What role does repentance and forgiveness in Islam play in family life?
Tawbah restores relationships. Admitting mistakes teaches humility and emotional maturity.

5. How does Islamic psychology of resilience apply to children?
Gradual responsibility, emotional safety, and affirmation build resilience rooted in faith.